Today my little girl turns 10!!! And my son turned 11 on the July 1st. It just blows my mind how fast they grow. It seems like it gets faster and faster and I am scrambling trying to hold onto the memories. The pictures in this post are from our evening float trip lastnight.
With every year though I just want to say NAH NAH NAH NA NAH NAH to those who told me that I couldn't do it, that being a single completely fatherless mom was too hard with two children and that I should give my baby up for adoption. I can't even imagine life without my kids. I don't think I would be alive if I didn't have my kids, I was on a path to mass destruction partying like I did and I think they both were my gifts that brought stability to my life.
I'm not very good at being told I can't do something. You might as well challenge me to do it because if you tell me I can't I'm going to do it if it kills me. I am horribly drawn to the rough path and not afraid to step outside the box. In fact I have stepped outside of my box and back in, I have played kick the box, hid in my box, and rode my box down some steep hills, heck my box is covered in duct tape and baling twine. So bring it on!
There is so much out there trying to influence your life sometimes you just got to stand up, grab stuff by the balls and say "No this is how it's going to be." Someone once told me (Dave Herigstad) to follow your instincts and if you have a feeling inside of you at all that something wasn't right, then don't do it because it's probably wasn't. I have carried that with me since Dave gave me that great advice but I haven't always completely followed it, there has been many times when I knew that feeling was there but I just ignored it and bulled my way through the situation. Those lovely decisions have always ended with bad results.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was given a package of potential adopters and told that giving her up would probably be the best thing. I'm sure that I have repeated this story many times, and like usual it is a very deep private one, but I feel like it should be shared. Of course I am not saying that adoption is a bad thing, I think it's amazing and a gift to all those involved. I can't imagine the pain of not being able to have children and wanting them so bad. In fact I actually knew one of the families looking to adopt and I was in awe of their story and offer of kindness. The message I want to get across is that there are those moments in life where it feels like the whole world is against you and you need to make a tough decision. You need to look deep deep down and find that instinct, that feeling deep down in your gut and you need to take that action.
I did that day I stood against all odds. I sat in a coffee shop and carefully read through all the papers and potential adopters, and it finally hit me that it just wasnt the path I was going to take, I was going to keep my daughter and do my best. It wasn't an easy decision. I faced my family and people who knew me, here I was pregnant and alone again. I felt like I should be on the Jerry Springer Show. I fell in and out of depression. My mom was my strongest supporter, she stood by my side the whole time. And the thing that gave me the most courage is when my grandfather said "If anyone can raise two children alone it would be Jeanie."
But in the end through all the struggle and all the pain it was the best decision I have ever made. Look at all I would be missing if I hadn't stood for my gut feeling. I say this as they are upstairs arguing and driving me bonkers, but it's the best bonkers you could be. Everyday they bring richness and joy to my life. And they come with their own great advice. One time they told me,"Mom, the bad stuff makes the good stuff that much gooder." I am so blessed.
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