Digging Deep (This was a hard one for my to decide to publish)

I wrote the following post yesterday. And looking at it this morning I debate on publishing it. I look at it and read it, and hover over the publish button. When I finally do it know that I did it with my eyes squeezed shut like i do when a ball is about to hit my head. haha I could be going too deep and too personal. Crossing the line. Oh I shouldn't of said that because I love to cross the line and step outside of the box. It's a challenge.

I am terribly shy. Yeah I know those who know me in real life aren't surprised by this statement. But I am painfully debilitatingly shy. I don't know where it comes from (hopefully not stuffed animal fears).

 

It has effected every aspect of my life and has made me a not very good friend. Not that I don't care, because I care more about the people in my life near and far probably more than a lot of people do,  but I don't go out of my way socially for friends. Like you will rarely see me show up at your door just to hang out, or call just to babble about whatever. If you're not making direct eye contact with me I probably won't even wave at you in the store. And it's not that I am a snob or I don't like people, somewhere deep inside of me there is just this block, I can't unblock. I have been told my whole life how quiet I am and how I hold everything in, but it's not that I am holding it in, something inside of me holds it in and I battle it all in my head.

I can go where I don't know anyone and start conversations with complete strangers. There is an outgoing confident person inside of me. But to walk into someplace, where I know people, is terrifying and I have found myself in awkward situations where I just didn't go in, I freeze up. I can babble here on this blog or facebook, I can text on and on, but in person it all shuts down. I have a hard time even answering the phone or calling people. A lot of really wonderful friendships have slipped through my life because of this.

I don't know if it's something deep down that is worried about what people think of me? Because on the outside I obviously don't give a hoot. I am one of the plainest people you will ever meet. And although I am a people pleaser, I am not a people follower. I stubbornly don't dress or act like other people and I can't fit my feelings or beliefs into a pre-shaped box.

Why I am I telling you this? I don't really know, I am just throwing it into the wind. I know I can't be alone, there has to be other people out there with this issue.  Think of that when you see someone your know is shy or doesnt make a big effort. She might not be a snob or stupid, she might just be stuck and if you make the effort you may be helping her be unstuck you might find someone you like. If I googled it there is probably a name for what I have and a support group. Or I could be totally messed up and need a psychologist.