“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt
These last couple weeks have been some major soul searching. With everything that has been going on in the past couple years I have a created a monster. Myself. My confidence and want to do things has almost disappeared.
I'm not the same person I was and I didn’t even realize it. I have been in this constant waiting for things to get better state and it hasn't worked at all.
Time to change.
First comes my poor horses. I have barely ridden in a while. Waiting to get a place, waiting for this, waiting for that. Waiting for this perfect situation that is never going to come, I am going to have to make it happen. And now that goals have slipped this far out of my hands I am really going to have to put up a fight.
So I am re-goalin.
I am giving myself until this summer to have all 3 (possibly 4 if I start riding my old barrel horse again) horses up and running. I want everyone ready to haul to jackpots, clinics, whatever tickles my fancy. Whether or not we are the best isn’t my goal, I just want to be able to participate again and continue learning and growing.
I actually started this yesterday and caught up my two colts to see where they were at. Just played with them. Took them out of their comfortable pasture, moved them around on the ground, and sacked them out with my handy dandy thing-a-mi-jig. All those hours as colts playing with them sure paid off even though at some times I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. Both were totally relaxed even when the others ladies horses in the pasture we were walking through freaked out. Even my wild child Swede, he has matured a lot since last year.
Encouraging when things go well. I will be out there again today. This time with my saddle for some driving and maybe a spin on R.C.
The rest of the day didn’t go quite as good. Another part of my changing is to get back into some sort of shape. I have had this horrible unidentified breathing problem for 5 years or so now. When I could afford it I have been through a lot of tests. COPD, asthma, anxiety, my heart, allergies. All very expensive and with no answer. The only conclusion I can come to is that I could have some sort of damage from inhaling bleach fumes. But who knows.
The symptoms come and go so just when I think maybe I have the reason pinned I don't.
Anyways I have been looking for a fun thing I could do, keep my interest in, and afford for an organized kind of exercise in hopes I can some how strengthen my lungs. And I have chosen boxing. (Yeah I would love to see your face right now) I actually like boxing, fighting, martial arts, all that. I took kick boxing in Missoula (real kick boxing) and Taekwondo in Butte and loved it, but couldn’t afford them. So I found a place that’s not very expensive, got all set up to go then.... found the place and sat outside with not enough guts to go in.
I have never done that before. Let those nerves you get when you are going into a new situation, doing something new, with people you don't know get to you. I have always been better at those situations. Diving head first into something new and strange is way easier for me then going into a group of people I already know. That is probably why my life has been an adventure so far.
Today I am going to have to stop this. I don't know where my confidence went but I am going to have to stop leaning on excuses and others opinions, stop waiting and grab life by the testicles again. (maybe even use them as speed bags hahaha) There is a whole lot of stuff I want to do in life and I am not very happy just sitting.
I'm challenging you to join me. If I make it into this boxing club today, then tomorrow you need to go out and do something that scares the hell out of you.
