Changes, Commas, and Some Goals.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt



These last couple weeks have been some major soul searching. With everything that has been going on in the past couple years I have a created a monster. Myself. My confidence and want to do things has almost disappeared.

I'm not the same person I was and I didn’t even realize it. I have been in this constant waiting for things to get better state and it hasn't worked at all.

Time to change.

First comes my poor horses. I have barely ridden in a while. Waiting to get a place, waiting for this, waiting for that. Waiting for this perfect situation that is never going to come, I am going to have to make it happen. And now that goals have slipped this far out of my hands I am really going to have to put up a fight.

So I am re-goalin.

I am giving myself until this summer to have all 3 (possibly 4 if I start riding my old barrel horse again) horses up and running. I want everyone ready to haul to jackpots, clinics, whatever tickles my fancy. Whether or not we are the best isn’t my goal, I just want to be able to participate again and continue learning and growing.

I actually started this yesterday and caught up my two colts to see where they were at. Just played with them. Took them out of their comfortable pasture, moved them around on the ground, and sacked them out with my handy dandy thing-a-mi-jig. All those hours as colts playing with them sure paid off even though at some times I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. Both were totally relaxed even when the others ladies horses in the pasture we were walking through freaked out. Even my wild child Swede, he has matured a lot since last year.

Encouraging when things go well. I will be out there again today. This time with my saddle for some driving and maybe a spin on R.C.

The rest of the day didn’t go quite as good. Another part of my changing is to get back into some sort of shape. I have had this horrible unidentified breathing problem for 5 years or so now. When I could afford it I have been through a lot of tests. COPD, asthma, anxiety, my heart, allergies. All very expensive and with no answer. The only conclusion I can come to is that I could have some sort of damage from inhaling bleach fumes. But who knows.

The symptoms come and go so just when I think maybe I have the reason pinned I don't.

Anyways I have been looking for a fun thing I could do, keep my interest in, and afford for an organized kind of exercise in hopes I can some how strengthen my lungs. And I have chosen boxing. (Yeah I would love to see your face right now) I actually like boxing, fighting, martial arts, all that. I took kick boxing in Missoula (real kick boxing) and Taekwondo in Butte and loved it, but couldn’t afford them. So I found a place that’s not very expensive, got all set up to go then.... found the place and sat outside with not enough guts to go in.

I have never done that before. Let those nerves you get when you are going into a new situation, doing something new, with people you don't know get to you. I have always been better at those situations. Diving head first into something new and strange is way easier for me then going into a group of people I already know. That is probably why my life has been an adventure so far.

Today I am going to have to stop this. I don't know where my confidence went but I am going to have to stop leaning on excuses and others opinions, stop waiting and grab life by the testicles again. (maybe even use them as speed bags hahaha) There is a whole lot of stuff I want to do in life and I am not very happy just sitting.

I'm challenging you to join me. If I make it into this boxing club today, then tomorrow you need to go out and do something that scares the hell out of you.

Capturing moments

Photography is my blog inspiration today. It is a subject some of my closest friends and I get on sometimes. Going out and capturing the world around you is a good way to make stress go away.

Whether your a pro, an aspiring photographer, or just someone who got that lucky shot, photography is a form of art and art moves our soul and connects us to those moments happening around us.

I wanted to share some of my favorite photos (I have a million lol, these are just the ones i found while looking at my files). Hope that it inspires you to share yours. :) (please dont steal my photos. respect someone elses work)

Of course my favorite subject is my kids and this is one of my all time favorite. Brother and sister are so close they sometimes dont even realize it, this is one of those moments they were just hanging out together.

Another is this moment where Dave went out to visit the horses. I was stuck in the truck because I sprained my ankle. The sky and the light was just so right the horses were breath taking. I wish I had a better camera then my phone.

I love to take picture of horses and people. People riding horses and working horses. I know what goes into the relationship they form. This man, his horse and his cow dog caught my eye at a ranch rodeo. They worked together like music. I wish I could of gotten out there and captured their every move. I was way up in the stands though.

I love rodeos! But I get way distracted trying to get the whole pic. I love not just the action but the reaction of the other cowboys to the action. LOL The pep talks the riders get and the look of fear in some of the faces.

That hazy warm light at the perfect times of the day. We are blessed to live in such a beautiful world.

The activity of a bee and the pop of color a flower brings.

The dance before the storm.

The rainbow after the storm.

The unexpected moment where I made Dave back up the car so we could see I will forever treasure.

The exotic.

The familiar.

Firsts

And lasts

Ups

And downs.

Here to stay

History that is gone forever.

I better stop for now. Hope you enjoyed a piece of me. Oh and I am a total amateur. lol Dont have a fancy camera. Half the time all I have is my phone.

Brian

************photo taken of Flathead Lake by Brian Anderson*************

There are few people in life you can say are true honest selfless people. Who do things out of the kindness of their heart and who genuinely care. There are even fewer people who stand up for what they believe in and do things for the greater good, not worried about what's in it for them but what can they do for us.

I opened a treasure chest of those kinds of people when I started to work for Spay Montana. Judy, Sandy, Christine, Kim, Greg, Tiffani, Jonadel, Josh, Sharon, the many others who help us, and even the legendary Dr. Dave are all those kind of people. They make the world a better (usually more exciting) place. A bunch of fun loving kind characters I lovingly call "The Band of Misfits".

We lost one of those treasures last week. Brian Anderson.

*******photo taken of Brian at his job on a Hobby Horse Farm in Polson*****

I have never met someone with such and honest giving heart. He always welcomed you with a smile and took a great joy in teaching others about the cause he believed in and dedicated a lot of time to. It’s very rare to just hang out with someone and be yourself. He made us all laugh and stand in awe of his pure passion for life even after he didn't always have the fair shot at it.

There are lots of people with lots of different problems out there but a good person"s core isn't tarnished just because they haven't made the best choices in life. We all are capable of learning, changing, and growing.

******** Brian teaching someone to hold off a vein at a clinic.********

I hope to never forget the open arms and encouragement Brian welcomed me into the group with. I always want to remember his willingness to teach me and his encouragements that every one makes mistakes. His smile and sarcastic humor were contagious.

There were times when his kindness would show through and it would startle me just how deep it was. It made me look at myself at.

I want to remember our trip to Billings with Tiff where we laughed the whole time. We got lost, we went to a drag show, and how we talked the whole way home. Laughing, crying, and Brian occasionally nodding off. Lol :)

************Brian, Margie, and Tiff photo taken by me********************

The time we stopped at Tiffs new house and room mate and he took me around on a house tour and had me in the back yard eating plums at a stranger’s house. Or his India music playing loud and proud at the clinic in Butte.

*****************Micah helping Brian load the truck. Butte clinic*******

I want to remember the Butte clinic where Micah was there. Although Brian joked with my son who was 8 at the time he treated Micah as an equal. He didn't talk down on him like he was just a kid and that has left a huge impression on him. Brian just encourages you to be you and he was genuinely interested in you. He did joke that he only let kids ask 3 questions at clinics and that he was annoyed by kids but I never actually seen anyone leave Brians presence at a clinic feeling like they didn't learn something.

*********Bart the puppy. Photo taken by Brian*******************

I want to remember the look on his face when he came to me with a tiny sick puppy in Browning during a hard clinic. He was so upset no one would take the puppy, but he took him and he flourished. I want to remember the look on Brians face when he was talking about a good friend or remembering a good time.

I want to remember Brian how we saw him last. Working the clinic after some time away from Spay Montana. In his element and happy to be there. He was always willing to help in anyway he could. I want to remember Kim and I going to visit him in his beautiful hotel room that he had tried to give us. If I could just go back to that moment and give him a hug to let him know how much he means to me I would.

I only knew Brian for some where around 2 years and he has impacted my life in so many ways, my heart aches for the rest of the team who has been working with his for years.

I refuse to believe that the good die young or the good Lord has taken someone because he has better plans for that person and all who have loved that person. God doesn’t have some planning board up there or purposely inflict pain on people. We are all part of the human condition, we are all are born and we all die. It’s the life in between that matters. Even though his life was cut short, Brian made a huge impression on this world (and a trail of crumbs). I know God welcomed him with huge open arms and a great big smile.

***********photo taken by Brian of a Homestead on Lincoln pass*********

Out Smarted

Ouch. It has been awhile since my last post. Nothing has changed much here. We are still waiting and waiting. Hard to figure out what to do when we don’t know what we will have to do it.

I have been sewing like crazy lately. Can’t wait to share some of my creations. I am newly addicted to random sewing blogs with random projects. Today I found a pile of old sweats my mom was giving to the thrift store so I have been cutting them in pieces and making loungey pants for the kids. I will post a pic.

I wanted to stop by the blog today to write down about my dog Annie. Well maybe I should say write about the dog that owns me and has me and everyone around her very well trained.

I got Annie around 6 years ago from the animal shelter in Deer lodge. I was looking for a small dog that I could have around the kids. I didn’t have a dog at the time and don’t usually last too long without one. I got a call from the shelter telling me there was a little female Boston terrier available and I agreed to meet the shelter worker at the owner of the dogs’ house.

I got there (super duper excited) and the lady said "This is Annie." Obviously not a Boston Terrier I paused and then said "I will take her."

Now Jack Russell’s should come with warning labels. I (an experienced dog rescuer and a person that has rehabilitated hyper out of control dogs) was in for a ride. The second Annie could get away from me she was gone. I chased her every inch of this town. She was so hyper it was like owning a mini rocket. I tried to keep her exercised but she would take off, chase deer, and kill any birds she could get a hold of. She wasn’t spayed at first and she had a habit of humping pretty much everything. I was taking a dog training course at the time and a trainer I was working with said Annie and I would never bond.

One day I opened the door to get the mail and out the door Annie went. The chase was on. I ran halfway down the block and stopped. To myself I thought that was it, it wasn’t meant to be, if she didn’t want to stick around and be my dog I was letting her go. I turned around to go home and guess who beat me to the gate. From that moment on the deal was sealed and we were bonded (she is still bossy and I have had to get her when she has ventured off, but I love that crazy little Boston Terrier that ain't).

So this brings me to the story I wanted to write down. Though thinking about it I could write a whole book on how Annie has outsmarted us all. She is absolutely amazing.

The other night I was having a rare moment and watching the news all by myself in out hotel room. I was cold so I turned up the heater and sat by it. Annie wasn’t happy because she LOVES to lay by the heater and she esp. loves to lay on my lap by the heater. But I was knitting and wouldn’t let her. She paced around for a bit and then pouted on the bed.

I was counting stitches or something not looking at the TV and the channel changed to a static loud station. SO I set my stuff down and grabbed the remote from the bed. Changed the channel back and sat down on the bed to finish what I was watching. Not even thinking about what had just happened.

I glanced down by the heater and guess who had taken my spot.

Yeah my stinky little dog had changed the channel on the TV and when I got up to change it back she took my spot. I know she did it. She does stuff like that to my poor pug all the time. He will be chewing on something good that she wants so she will grab something like a sock and throw it in the air like it’s the best toy in the world. The second he lets go of what he has to see what she has she grabs his goodie and runs. LOL

Ms. Annie is getting a a little gray now. She hasnt slowed down at all and keeps up all on our toes. Esp. my mom whom she barks at until she gets up and gets her a treat. I know that you are given only a short amount of time to love special pets in our life. I am soaking up every minute I can and I love her so much. She has been so wonderful to have in my life and I am thankful.

What inspires me.

I am on my way to Browning today for the last clinic up there of the year.

My head is swimming with what inspires me this morning thanks to a conversation with a friend. Thank you Hank! It has made my morning nice to think of good things.

While there are many things and people that inspire me I wanted to jot this one down while it is the strongest in my head.

One of my most favorite quotes, the one that I think of most often is from Mother Teresa. "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." When I feel really small or frustrated in what is going on around me this quote always brings me back to what matters most.

When I was living in Missoula I decided that I was going to volunteer at the local animal shelter. This is before being a vet tech was ever in my mind and I was not aware of the harsh realities of animal shelters, abuse, and over population of animals.

I became a dog walking volunteer. And my lunch breaks at school would be spent walking dogs down by the river in Missoula (a wonderful place to wander around). It was so fun!

But it had a dark side too. A lot of the times the dogs that I was walking were the very active teenage dogs that someone got rid of because they were cute when they were little but with lack of exercise they became uncontrollable. So when I would return to walk this dog or that they would be gone. Euthanized.

It totally broke my heart (it still breaks my heart) and after about the 5th dog I called my mom bawling. What she said will never leave me.

She said that she knew I was sad but what a wonderful gift I had given these dogs. In that moment they had experienced true love and kindness. Even in the darkest times they left this world loved and there was nothing more powerful.

I realized that I have no control what happens before or after in a lot of cases in life. But in those little moments you get to love with your soul or show true kindness you have the power to change the world.

Multi-Pathing and Thought ADD.

I wish I was one of those people who could blog everyday and have something profound and organized to say. But my mind goes 100 miles and hour. When I think "Oooo I could blog about this" or that it is long gone before I can get to a point where I can type it down. Thought ADD?

My life is completely upside down right now. For those who don’t know me or have seen me and don’t know the story. Dave got injured on the job almost 6 years ago. He was driving truck for a local construction company and when he went to get out of the truck the step came out from underneath him (broke), he caught himself with one arm but damaged his shoulder.

You would think an employer pays into workman’s comp for a reason and that he would get his shoulder fixed and be able to return back to work. But that has not been the case. They wouldn’t do the surgery but they wouldn’t let him completely go back to work or his shoulder wouldn’t be taken care of. And he couldn’t do anything (like drive normally or carry a 12 pack of pop) or they tried to say he was cheating the system. Which never made sense to me because no matter what he does or doesn’t do he still has pain and he still has an injury from working.

So on and on and on we go. He finally got surgery this last December (losing his job because his employer didn’t want to wait for him to be able to go back). Now they release him half way back to work but he can’t do most jobs, they won’t settle, and he can’t get workman’s comp benefits. SO we are stuck in this weird limbo state. (This is the short version of the story hope it makes sense).

We have pretty much lost everything materialistic wise. Ending with the recent lose of our house we were renting. We are now in our live in horse trailer behind a local hotel and my kids are with my mom. (I keep getting told to not say the kids are at my moms because child protective services could come after me. Really? Take someone’s kids away that are trying and keep kids whose parents are on welfare and drugs with them?)

Oh and for those of you wondering. Why not sell the horse trailer? We can't. Dave now owes back child support and the trailer has a lien. So if we sold it that money would go to catch up on that, not a completely bad thing but we would be even more homeless.

Now blogging about this is something I have been battling with. I get accused of being too honest and open a lot and it freaks some people out. Too much information? I don’t totally get it. I could sugar coat things and pretend everything is perfect (which I do in most situations but if you ask me I’m not going to lie and tell you I live in a mansion). Or I could be super mysterious and not say anything. That works for some but I could blow up keeping everything in. haha

Could I have made better decision in my life that wouldn’t have led me to this path? Holy cow could I have ever! If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t be here and I would be in a position better providing for my children. I have crammed many not so great decisions and paths in my life. I think I have multi-pathed and bi-not so great decisioned. If those could be a words.

On the other hand if I hadn’t gone down the path(s) I have gone down. Would I even have my beautiful children? Would I still be who I am emotionally and spiritually today? I don’t know. And I’m not totally sure I would want to risk that if I could go back.

Now my thoughts are bouncing all over my brain and this is the point where I would normally stop typing with the idea I would come back and I don’t.

One of the most important lessons I have learned from all of this is, yeah we are having a tough time and things could be better. At times it feels like I have caught the bad luck bug. But our kids are healthy and safe. Dave and I are healthy and able to fight (for bettering our situation not fight with each other). And really our problems are very tiny compared to some. Every time I get to the point I just don’t think I can take another bad thing I try to think of those who have it worse off. Those not physically or mentally able to take on the challenges of life. I have it pretty darn good.

Im going to close with that and go try to get my thoughts organized again.

Is Jean Buddhist? (may offend some)

Ok so again its been awhile. My life is completely crazy right now. Its a blog post novel in itself.

Im super excited that this weekend spaymontana.org is heading to Ronan for a clinic because I will finally get to stop in Arlee to visit the Garden of 1000 Buddhas. I wanted to go on my birthday and it fell through due to our financial situation. This time I am going that way and I am bound and determined to make it there.

Which all brings me to the question people who know me (including my Catholic mom) are asking. Is Jean Buddhist? I have a lot of very religious friends out there and I find it funny that this subject gets skirted around.

I do not consider myself truly Buddhist mainly because there is a lot I dont know about Buddhism and I know pretty much nothing about practicing in a traditional sense. To me (and I am not alone) Buddha is not a God. I do not worship him or try to please him in hopes I may gain something. To me he is a teacher perhaps a philosophy teacher. An understander of the human condition.

I firmly believe no matter what religion or beliefs you have you cant fully appreciate and grasp them unless you have an understanding of yourself, your body, and all that natural stuff going on inside of you. I think that it is benefit to everyone to be fully aware of themselves and to be able to control emotions that get out of hand. I think we all should learn to appreciate what is good around us. In the darkest time if we look we can find something good, something worth the fight. Even if in that darkest time you find your God isnt that beautiful and precious and part of who we are? We believe in something and there is hope and a reason.

I also believe in practicing kindness and compassion. Acknowledging that we are all humans and we are all in search of acceptance and belonging has been a powerful lesson for me. I find accepting people for who they are and being kind to them very rewarding and a more natural state. Even if I have to become aware of my own anger or jealousy first and let it go.

Do I believe in God? Yes I do. But to me he is also a person a teacher who is fully aware. A presence that is there for everyone who needs him. A light of hope and arms to hold my soul. A father who loves and accepts us as is because that is what we all seek. I do not believe he is a higher power that is over me and who will not accept me (or others)for things done wrong or if I dont worship in a certain way. I dont believe in hell as a literal place. Hell is not some where you will be sent if you mess up. Hell is in your mind. A place created by our own actions and lack of self and outer awareness.

I once had a preacher tell me that no matter how good of a person I was no matter what good I did if I did not believe in God as people of his church did I would pretty much go to hell. And for the longest time that made me very angry. I refused and still refuse to believe in a figure who would be that cruel, who would put us in this human condition and not be accepting and loving of our mistakes and mishaps.

So there it is. The kitten caboodle. LOL I hope that this helps people understand when I post a Buddhist quote or talk about visiting the garden. Maybe instead of shutting it off you will read the quote and be able to use it in your life to benefit you and help you in your journey to find peace in your heart.

And I know people will have questions comments or disputes. And I am willing to accept them all and learn. I am not perfect. I dont know all the answers. I am constantly trying to understand life and improve myself. I had a horse trainer tell me once that when training a horse you needed to gather as much information as possible look at what other trainers were doing and use only what worked for you. And that has impacted how I think in every aspect of my life.

This is only my conclusion so far.

I Won!

I won a super super cute crafting kit from iitki.blogspot.com!!! So excited!! I really never win those sort of things. Never ever. Thank you Jordan! I will be posting pics soon.

This was really perfect timing to brighten up a crappy week. We went to Browning Saturday Sunday and Monday which is always awesome but my dumb butt backed my moms car into a pole causing $600 worth of damage and one angry mom. Then I got home and fell down my stairs and sprained my ankle. (I can't afford to go to a doctor so I'm sticking with its only sprained).

And Dave is going to work in North Dakota. Which is a good thing because we are desperate but a bad thing because he will be gone and I will be left to fend for myself.

Roller coaster ride. :)

Syrup Kisses and Chin Hair

Yeah sometimes I am off the wall random so strap your seatbelt for this one. I have so much stuff I would like to blog about just as my own personal journal but dont always have the time. Or really I cant get to the computer and I hate typing long stuff from my phone.


One thing that happened a few weeks ago that I really want to remember is this. Every morning my cat (Syrup) comes up and lays on my chest she prrs and give me eskimo kisses on the nose and random kisses. I try to slow down every morning and return the loves she gives me even if its a pain in the butt sometimes. Well this time my son came in and layed down next to me laughing at Syrup and her obsession. Now for those of you who have boys, my daughter is wonderful and I love her but there is something super special about a little boy being sweet to his momma.

Micah decided that since I was giggling at Syrup kisses he wanted to try giving me a Syrup kiss. Starting with an eskimo kiss and then the most delicate sweet tiny little kisses on my cheek and forehead. They completely melted me and I wanted to write this down hoping that I could remember that feeling forever. Syrup kisses. You should really try them.

Next in my random list. Chin hair! Agh! I have had this one hair on my chin since the day I turned 21 (I am 33 now) I swear. LOL And when I find it to pluck it it is usually 5 inches long. haha. Dave tells me he never notices it but I dont know how he doesnt. So lastnight after washing my face and getting ready for bed I did that look in the mirror (the wrinkle/hair check. And I saw this tiny little black dot on my chin. Thinking its a blackhead I give it a squeeze (sorry for being gross but this is a reality blog. lol) to only find out it is that damn hair.

Honestly I was pretty excited that I had found it before it was 10 inches long (I could be exaggerating a touch). I had won the battle this time hair! Out came the tweezers.

Now all I can figure is that this hair grows inside my chin and pops out suddenly. Thats why I never catch it right? Cause when I started pulling my eyes started watering and I could feel it in my toes. I had to brace myself against the sink (tears rolling down my face) and let out a tarzan yell to get the sucker out (dont worry my family is immune to me).

Why I would even want to remember this or share it totally beats me.

Arggghhhh! Technology is going to drive me bonkers!

SO here I am today working on my blog because my stupid phone had a brain fart and I had to reset it. Losing all of my favorited websites. Crafting websites of course that I have spent entirely way to much time collecting.

So I am going to attempt to save them here. In theory I should never ever ever lose them but I am starting to doubt this modern world. Maybe I should imprint them in my brain to repeat to future generations. lol

Hmmmm. How should I go about this? Let me play around and I will be back to wow and amaze you.

My last post was cut off because I sent it before finishing. Lol I need to go back and finish my rant. Found these patterns and stuff on threadbanger.com and generation-t.com (hard for me to post links from my phone). This is made from an old tshirt (or one bought from the Thriftstore this morning lol). I Love it!

Lots of happenings today. First my kids were terribly rude while I was talking to a friend today. They wanted to go and I was enjoying talking to someone. I got so mad at them (pretty sure every cuss word possible came out of my mouth when we got to the truck). Usually I'm the softie that yells then comforts them because they are crying, but this time I did my best to hold my ground and make them stay in their rooms (crying of course).

(fixing this post)

As I have said I sent the start of this post from my phone by accident before I was done. I find it hard to find the time to really sit down and write a post because I keep getting interupted. Maybe I should set a time just to post (dont know if I am organized enough to do that.)

So I was having one of those days where my kids were going to drive me crazy and on top of that the Casey Anthony verdict smacked me in the face like it did those who truly believe that she has something to do with the murder of that poor little child. And I went on a rampage via phone and when i went to send it it all got erased. Whew! Im over it now though so I cant re-rampage. lol

Hope everyone is having a wonderful 4th. I have been creating a lot and have a lot to share but little time to write. My thought for the moment is "Rideo Ergo Sum." Latin for I laugh therefore I am. Words to live by.