What inspires me.

I am on my way to Browning today for the last clinic up there of the year.

My head is swimming with what inspires me this morning thanks to a conversation with a friend. Thank you Hank! It has made my morning nice to think of good things.

While there are many things and people that inspire me I wanted to jot this one down while it is the strongest in my head.

One of my most favorite quotes, the one that I think of most often is from Mother Teresa. "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." When I feel really small or frustrated in what is going on around me this quote always brings me back to what matters most.

When I was living in Missoula I decided that I was going to volunteer at the local animal shelter. This is before being a vet tech was ever in my mind and I was not aware of the harsh realities of animal shelters, abuse, and over population of animals.

I became a dog walking volunteer. And my lunch breaks at school would be spent walking dogs down by the river in Missoula (a wonderful place to wander around). It was so fun!

But it had a dark side too. A lot of the times the dogs that I was walking were the very active teenage dogs that someone got rid of because they were cute when they were little but with lack of exercise they became uncontrollable. So when I would return to walk this dog or that they would be gone. Euthanized.

It totally broke my heart (it still breaks my heart) and after about the 5th dog I called my mom bawling. What she said will never leave me.

She said that she knew I was sad but what a wonderful gift I had given these dogs. In that moment they had experienced true love and kindness. Even in the darkest times they left this world loved and there was nothing more powerful.

I realized that I have no control what happens before or after in a lot of cases in life. But in those little moments you get to love with your soul or show true kindness you have the power to change the world.

Multi-Pathing and Thought ADD.

I wish I was one of those people who could blog everyday and have something profound and organized to say. But my mind goes 100 miles and hour. When I think "Oooo I could blog about this" or that it is long gone before I can get to a point where I can type it down. Thought ADD?

My life is completely upside down right now. For those who don’t know me or have seen me and don’t know the story. Dave got injured on the job almost 6 years ago. He was driving truck for a local construction company and when he went to get out of the truck the step came out from underneath him (broke), he caught himself with one arm but damaged his shoulder.

You would think an employer pays into workman’s comp for a reason and that he would get his shoulder fixed and be able to return back to work. But that has not been the case. They wouldn’t do the surgery but they wouldn’t let him completely go back to work or his shoulder wouldn’t be taken care of. And he couldn’t do anything (like drive normally or carry a 12 pack of pop) or they tried to say he was cheating the system. Which never made sense to me because no matter what he does or doesn’t do he still has pain and he still has an injury from working.

So on and on and on we go. He finally got surgery this last December (losing his job because his employer didn’t want to wait for him to be able to go back). Now they release him half way back to work but he can’t do most jobs, they won’t settle, and he can’t get workman’s comp benefits. SO we are stuck in this weird limbo state. (This is the short version of the story hope it makes sense).

We have pretty much lost everything materialistic wise. Ending with the recent lose of our house we were renting. We are now in our live in horse trailer behind a local hotel and my kids are with my mom. (I keep getting told to not say the kids are at my moms because child protective services could come after me. Really? Take someone’s kids away that are trying and keep kids whose parents are on welfare and drugs with them?)

Oh and for those of you wondering. Why not sell the horse trailer? We can't. Dave now owes back child support and the trailer has a lien. So if we sold it that money would go to catch up on that, not a completely bad thing but we would be even more homeless.

Now blogging about this is something I have been battling with. I get accused of being too honest and open a lot and it freaks some people out. Too much information? I don’t totally get it. I could sugar coat things and pretend everything is perfect (which I do in most situations but if you ask me I’m not going to lie and tell you I live in a mansion). Or I could be super mysterious and not say anything. That works for some but I could blow up keeping everything in. haha

Could I have made better decision in my life that wouldn’t have led me to this path? Holy cow could I have ever! If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t be here and I would be in a position better providing for my children. I have crammed many not so great decisions and paths in my life. I think I have multi-pathed and bi-not so great decisioned. If those could be a words.

On the other hand if I hadn’t gone down the path(s) I have gone down. Would I even have my beautiful children? Would I still be who I am emotionally and spiritually today? I don’t know. And I’m not totally sure I would want to risk that if I could go back.

Now my thoughts are bouncing all over my brain and this is the point where I would normally stop typing with the idea I would come back and I don’t.

One of the most important lessons I have learned from all of this is, yeah we are having a tough time and things could be better. At times it feels like I have caught the bad luck bug. But our kids are healthy and safe. Dave and I are healthy and able to fight (for bettering our situation not fight with each other). And really our problems are very tiny compared to some. Every time I get to the point I just don’t think I can take another bad thing I try to think of those who have it worse off. Those not physically or mentally able to take on the challenges of life. I have it pretty darn good.

Im going to close with that and go try to get my thoughts organized again.